As a pastor, you are seen as the man that cannot fail. Your church members and the people you are leading see you as invincible and you cannot fall. But you are human even though you preach fiery messages and move in the gifts of the Spirit.
The question about who a pastor should confide in is very deep. You might think confiding in other pastors is the best way for you. Wait until you hear how pastors gossip each other and you will be shocked. You may think the member who is a close friend of yours is who you should confide in. Then you will be shocked to learn that doing so means you lose your respect and have a rolling stone in your congregation.
Being a pastor means that you have an estimation in the sight of people. You are seen as infallible even among your family members. So, when you are weak, fallen, or have made a mistake who should you go to for succor?
1. The Church Member That Talks Too Much
There is always that person in church who knows everybody’s story. They know what happened at the last women’s meeting and who fought who. They know what your wife said at the choir practice and they know which sister has stopped paying tithe. You may think they are loyal to you because they bring you information. But the same mouth that tells you things is the same mouth that will talk about you.
You will think you are sharing in confidence until you hear your pain in the mouth of another member. And the worst part is that it will not be accurate. What you said in weakness will become an exaggerated story that paints you as unfit to lead. You will not even know how it spread or who to confront.
As a pastor, you must understand that there are people in your church who are not mature enough to handle your personal life. Once you tell them something heavy, they don’t know how to sit with it. It becomes gist. And once you start explaining your own life to church members, they will lose their fear of God over your office.
2. The Pastor Who Sees You As Competition
You may think fellow pastors are your safe zone. But if you are not careful, you will confide in a man who sees you as a rival. He is not interested in your healing. He is only listening because he wants to use your struggle to measure his own strength. The next time he preaches, you will hear your story coded in his sermon.
This happens a lot especially when you both pastor in the same city or share the same network. There is a subtle rivalry and once you show weakness, he feels like he has won. He will not encourage you. He will advise you like a senior but laugh about you like a gossip.
When you start hearing that you are not spiritually sound or that your marriage is in trouble and it came from a man of God, just know that your pain has become their pride. You may not be able to fight it, but you can avoid it.
3. The Spiritual Daughter Who Is Emotionally Dependent
This one is dangerous and very tricky. She is loyal. She is gifted. She is available. But she is also emotionally tied to you in ways that are not safe. When you open up to her, she hears it as intimacy. When you say “I’m going through a hard time,” she interprets it as “you need me.”
What starts as pastoral trust can become emotional dependency. Before you know it, you are in a soul tie and you will not even know how it started. You may think she understands you better than your wife. You may think she is your peace. But what is happening is that you are confiding in someone who is emotionally too close to respect your boundaries.
Even if nothing physical happens, it will affect your discernment. You will start taking her opinions as spiritual confirmations. And if the story ever leaks, nobody will believe that you were innocent. It is better to stay far than to repair a broken perception.
4. The Elder That Is Not Spiritually Mature
He has been in church longer than you. He has white hair. He is respected by others. But age is not the same thing as spiritual maturity. Some elders in church are only elders in years but they are still babes in the spirit. You may think you are safe because he calls you “my son.” But when you pour your heart to him, he may use it to control you.
There are elders that want to know everything so that they can have power over you. They don’t know how to advise without manipulating. And when you go against their counsel, they will tell others that you are stubborn and that you are falling because you did not listen to them.
As a pastor, be careful not to confuse seniority with safety. Not everyone that served before you is mature enough to walk with you in your dark seasons. Some people only want access so that they can speak when others cannot.
A Final Thought on Who to Confide In
You are a man of God but you are also a man. You need counsel. You need someone to talk to. But you cannot afford to talk to just anyone. The price is too high. Confide in people who have no stake in your platform. Talk to men and women who have gone through fire and came out clean. Look for seasoned counsellors and spiritual leaders who fear God more than they fear being popular.
Do not mistake loyalty for maturity. Do not confuse admiration for accountability. And no matter how desperate you feel, remember that one wrong conversation can scatter the work God has built through you.
You are not Superman. But you are anointed. And you must protect the vessel even as God fills it.
Let wisdom guide you. Let discernment protect you. And let your confessions be poured only in safe hands.
Your calling depends on it.
Ողջույն, ես ուզում էի իմանալ ձեր գինը.